You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
