I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
