Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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