my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
