i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize