Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
