dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
