shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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