I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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