No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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