If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
