If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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