Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
