I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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