fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
