my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
