I'm lost and stupid without you.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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