I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
