god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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