Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize