mondays should just be called national damage control day
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
