Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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