My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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