tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
