She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
