I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize