I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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