No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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