Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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