Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
