I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
