I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
