4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
