I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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