This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
