look no pants
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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