you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
