my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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