Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
