my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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