I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
