Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
