dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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