Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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