Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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