Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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