proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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