are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
