she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
