He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
