I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
