Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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