Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You are a genius and a whore.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
