Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
