I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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