when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
