the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
