My sheets look like a crime scene.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I skipped work to stalk him.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
